Of strangers, space cadets and old ladies

“When I get down to my last dime I'll just walk over to skid row."
"There are some real weirdos down there."
"They're everywhere.”  -Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye 

 Whoever makes those Walmart memes should mosey on down to the Dollartree and just stay a while. I started my glorious career as a Dollartree cashier in August. For some unknown reason, my till seems to attract the strangest, most...interesting people. As one of my managers often says, "We get a different kind of dumb here". Here is a glimpse into the world of the special breed of Dollartree customers.

On my fist day on the job, as I was learning the difficult art of the cash register, a man of about 40, with rather large arms, ambled up to the till. I scanned his purchases and took longer than I should have to ring it up. "Sorry", my manager smiled, "We're training". The man looked rather pleased, flexed his beefy biceps and said,"Yes! Yes, I have been training." Very nice.

Another man followed shortly after him. After scanning his ten packages of craft feathers and two tubes of glitter glue, I asked him if he was interested in purchasing our deal of the week, electronics wipes. He stared at them for few seconds, then at me. "Helen. Will those clean my spaceship?" Yes, they might, but will they cure your mind?

There is a rather large woman who comes by every now and then with her adopted son. He walks through the aisles singing loudly and talking to the little stuffed monkeys. They buy a great assortment of Old Dutch crisps and caramel supreme cookies and double  fudge brownies and other such calorie stuffed goodies. On occasion the mother will buy a few packets of chips that have the word slim on them and a diet coke to go with the case of Dr. Pepper. She is, I assume, making an effort to lose weight. After a few visits to the Dollartree, I stopped wondering about her deep voice and broad shoulders and rang her through with a smile. Then one day, in between begging for a chocolate bar and singing Amazing Grace at the top of his lungs, the little boy looked up at his mother and said,"Mommy, why in high school were you a boy and now you're a girl?"  I have no words.

Old ladies are the most entertaining, particularly those who are a little hard of hearing. One old lady sped her shopping cart through the aisle, loudly proclaiming to anyone withing earshot that this store is American and therefore does not carry the brand of tinned salmon she wanted! Unfortunately for me, I was in the aisle where the wrong tinned salmon was located, unpacking some spam onto the lowest shelves.
''Excuse me! Why are you on the floor??"
"Oh. I'm unpacking some things down here."
"WHAT?"
"I'm unpacking-"
"WHERE IS THE SALMON?"
"It's right over here."
"That's the wrong kind. THIS STORE MUST BE AMERICAN!! They are taking over EVERYTHING!"
"I'm sorry."
"WHAT? You're not American are you??"
"No ma'am, South African"
"Well. I will be making a strong suggestion to your manager that she FIRE YOU. Foreigners are taking over this country!"

Another older lady parked her buggy by till 3 even though till 1's light was on.
"I can help you on one" I said to her.
"That is NOT a one! That's a zero!"

Most recently, an old lady who bought over 24 tins of peas asked me to double bag her cans, so that the bag wouldn't rip while she carried them to the car. I did as she asked and handed them over. She narrowed her eyes at me and gave me a glimpse at a possible future. "Perhaps some day you too shall have artificial hips and be unable to bend over." Whatever happened to all the sweet old ladies?

 And that, ladies and gentlemen, is just a short compilation of many many stories I have to tell. If you are ever bored, come on down to the Dollartree. You won't be disappointed.