"I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit.I'm just the same as I was.Now don't you understand that I'm never changing who I am."- Imagine Dragons
28 February 2013
Dear Nobody,
I haven't written to you in about six months. I feel like there is so much to tell you, yet nothing comes to mind.The big changes that have taken place would be the obvious subject choice, but are also the least appealing. I've always been told that I am resistant to change even though my life, all life in fact, is ruled by change. I have gone through bigger changes than some over the past few years. Even though I would like to stop for a while, I cannot imagine my life any other way. As much as my life is constantly on the move, I feel as though I am not.
I think it's my biggest flaw, Nobody. My inability to change. Surely I'm not the only one who suffers from this particular downfall. Even people who are unhappy with their lives seem to hang onto who they are. Staying the same for as long as possible seems to be the safest thing to do. If you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Stepping out, try to change where you're at, is a big risk to take. Who knows what other dangers lie waiting for you. After all, it could be worse.
You can easily justify such a character defect. It doesn't seem to be all that bad, as far as defects go. At least you aren't a drug addict. You don't kidnap innocent old ladies. You're not killing anyone, except maybe some part of yourself.
You can convince yourself that change is simply unnecessary. One day we will cease to exist on this earth. We all become another piece of history. A pile of ashes or a box of bones, whichever you prefer. Only those decisions that hold eternal weight will matter. Surely change can be restricted to the seasons, aging and, hopefully, our taste in clothes. That sounds good enough. You can be content with being stagnant. For a while.
Then, in spite of yourself, you start to think that maybe change is not such a bad thing. Maybe taking that leap of faith isn't quite as scary as you thought it was. And something inside you shifts ever so slightly. You can breathe a little easier; you feel a little more alive. It makes perfect sense really. As long as you are changing, you are growing. Once you stop growing, you start dying, or at very least, not living your life to the fullest. The idea of zombies becomes a little less ridiculous. Being alive has never been a strictly physical thing. What good is a body surging with life when it is inhabited by a dead soul?
When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like a display of fireworks or an earthquake where all of a sudden we're this completely different person. I think it's smaller than that. It's the kind of thing no one else would even notice, unless they looked really closely. Which, thank goodness. they never really do.
But you notice the it. Inside you,that small change feels like a world of difference, and you hope that it is. It's better like this and you hope with everything you are that you get to be this person forever. That you'll never have to change again.
So you see, dear Nobody, everything has changed, yet nothing really has. I am essentially still me, although I do hope a better version of myself. I still do not want to change even though I know that I will be grateful after. Hopefully my ramblings will make you think, even for a second, about changing. In the greater scheme of things, it may not even matter. One day the world will go on without us and these little, seemingly insignificant changes won't even matter. But it matters right now. I know there will be people someday who say that we never existed but right now, we are alive. We're alive and growing. And it's because we are changing.
Forever yours (that will not change)
Me
